A Letter To My Ex

Ex,

It seems a lifetime ago I was that naive 19 year old that thought we were going to live happily ever after, and the domestic violence you inflicted on me was somehow my fault. I was not pretty enough, smart enough, not a good enough mother, or expected to much from you. I was to ashamed to tell anyone the true magnitude of the abuse, because it is embarrassing and truly mortifying. I kept my silence hoping you would change. Our child, just brought seemed to escalate the abuse, and our decision to live together. Truly, when I became pregnant, I did not understand where my high school sweet heart had gone, and the demon who replaced him.

Once I had our sons, the abuse was worse, you were a dead beat father, your abuse was sadistic and cruel. It was if you wanted to find what truly would break my spirit, and you found it. You got me fired from jobs, refused to help with your children.

If you were around you would want to try and work things out, and eventually leave me with a mess to clean up by myself. Since you are a coward, and  to selfish to ever clean up or participate in any of the messes you made. I was left me to explain to our oldest why daddy was not coming around anymore. It never seemed to bother you, not seeing your children. How exactly do you answer a three year old when he asks why his daddy does not want to spend time with him like other daddies? Please explain that? Your offspring are more than just trophies of your virility, but needed you to man up and be a father.

Besides that, there is no excuse for the abuse you inflicted on me, and absolutely for choosing to do so in front of our sons! Anyone that survived will tell you never get over it, you do not move on. It becomes a part of you. It is hard to trust people, and you view the world in a jaded way, because when someone violates your body, heart, and soul until your in so much agony your emotions freeze over. It is hard to trust or not to suspect someone actually has good intentions, or evil like you!

The truth is you had little or nothing with raising my children! You can take all the pictures of Facebook you want, now they are grown. It will not change the fact that you were a horrid father, a selfish and abusive boyfriend, and have no clue what love is. This Christmas you can fool your looser friends into believing you actually care about your children. ┬áThat you were around, and took them places, and were not finding yourself for the majority if not all their childhood. The truth is you are a narcissists and think love is a way to exploit and use, until you have used up all their love, and only a husk remains. You deserve to be alone, and never have love! Because you have never given love! Whenever anyone needed you, you fled like the selfish douchebag you are. When it was your turn to give you were a dog with its tail between it’s legs.

I learned what true love is by my husband love is wanting your partner’s happiness above your own, being there no matter what. Forgiving and moving on, because you both had hurt each other. Love is being there through the good and the bad times. It is loving each other’s baggage and children. My husband has been a better father to our second son than you have ever been!

Some of your abuses I doubt I will ever be over. But I have something you will never have. Which is true love. I hope and pray your other baby mama also finds it. She deserves better than you, as does your daughter. You do not deserve any of your children, and never have. The only beautiful gift you gave me was our sons. It is your loss you could not comprehend how wonderful they are.

I hope one day, youexperience what it is like to hurt until your emotions ice over. I also truly wish you truly understood the hurt and anguish you have caused everyone in your life by your behavior. I hope you never find love, because you do not deserve it.

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The lights dance against the darkness of the night,

Murkiness consuming radiance within.

The sparkle in your eyes has forever died.

The erosion of evil consuming the light,

Glooming and sufficating all that is bright.

All there is black void any haze,

Instead the fires of hate, anger, and jealousy remain ablaze.

Squeezing and squeezing at the scorth of your touch.

Fire flies dance into the night.

I still can hear the innocent one scream.

Darkness… Darkness….

I want to fly with the fireflies up in the sky.

 

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